I hate the word...

Cancer

I hate the word! What a dreadful disease!

I am sitting by Jeff's bedside watching his shallow respirations. He is dreadfully thin and is now actually comatose. Sometimes he opens his eyes when we speak to him but mostly not.

He often reaches upward toward the ceiling but I don't really know what he is reaching for. Last week he asked me if his bags were packed. I suspect he knew he was getting ready for a journey. I assured him that they were packed and ready when he was ready to go.

A journey to a place where there is peace. There is no pain, no tears, no sorrow. And I can rejoice that he will be pain-free with his new spiritual body.

However, we are all hurting so much. I see the tears of my grandchildren when they leave his room, my daughters struggle with their tears each day while carrying on their lives. Jonathan and John love this man too and help in any way they can.

Mostly I sit with him and hold his hand. I talk of good times and better days. Those days when he wasn't in constant pain. Jeff has been in pain for over 7 months and it's been managed over that time, but I believe it's only been these last days that he has been comfortable and pain free.

We have had a great life together. Not perfect, but great! We have been married for 43 years and had hoped for many more years together. That won't happen now. We wanted to do so much more together and with our families. I am sad to think of all he will miss here and all that I will miss doing with him. We had so many plans for this summer at our cabin at Deep Creek Lake.

It is only by God's grace that I possess any grace at all right now. I am deeply sorrowed and my heart aches all the time.

I recently read a book by David Kessler and he talks of caring for our dying family members. He writes that being with a dying family member is like air travel of older times. We used to walk them to the gate, kiss them goodby and wish them safe travels.

I have walked Jeff to the gate and kissed him good-by. Now we just wait for the boarding call from the God who created him and the God he loved so much.