Develop a Culture of Trust
Written by: Bill Sparks Posted on: April 12, 2018 Blog: Thoughts along the way
There was a group that did research on married couples and they studied these couples for 20 years, and they were trying to find the common denominator among happily, highly compatible couples. Their theory going into this research was this, they assumed that the people who were happiest together were the people that knew each other the best. Consequently lowered their expectations over time, so that they were rarely ever disappointed with each other and consequently were able to stay together and stay in love. They expected the people who were most compatible, they were people they would consider happy to be couples who were so realistic. Who were so realistic in their estimation of each other, that that's what facilitated their ability to stay together.
What they discovered was the very opposite. What they discovered in happily married couples was this, that when one of the people in the relationship did something really ridiculous and created a gap. In the happily married couples, the other person in the relationship would automatically assume the believe, rather the best about them and would come up in their minds with some explanation as to why she's late again. Why he wasn't on time, why she's spent so much money. Why he had to travel as much. That in their mind they fabricated a belief system and they just naturally over time learned to believe the best about their spouse.
The conclusion of this research is this, that love really is blind. That it's really blind, that people who are really in love and stay in love. They just have such an inflated view of their spouse, that even when their spouse totally screws up there is a situation where they say, "Yeah, that did happen. But I'm sure there is a good reason. I'm sure that as soon as he gets home and we talked about, I'm sure it's going to work out." They found this consistently. You say, that's kind of living in denial. In some respect it is. But hey, the results in a happy marriage, I'm all for denial. Aren't you? Let me flip it around, I'll show you how powerful this is. Don't raise your hand.
Do you really want to be married to someone who truthfully points out your faults every single day? No. Honey, I see you are still overweight. Honey, your nose is still a bit crooked. You are still short. They could point these things out every single day. Listen, this is important. They could point it out every single day and they would be absolutely right, they would be telling you the absolute truth. You would be extraordinarily unhappy. I don't want friends who knows my fault to consistently point out my faults. You say, "Andy, are you insecure." Of course I'm insecure, I am a human.
Do you really want a friend that consistently points out the things that are wrong with you? Your friends, the people that you consider close to you. The people who overlook your faults and love you anyway and just believe the best, those are your friends. That's how relationships begin, that's how relationship stay strong. I think this is a powerful principle that once we begin to implement, when there are gaps between what we accept and what we experience. This has the power to shape your culture in such a way that untrustworthy people become trustworthy, and the trustworthy people want to be in your organization. But I'm telling you, just like in those marriages they studied. It is a choice, we choose to believe the best."