Chapter 9 ~ Get Over Yourself

I am not a soothsayer nor am I always able to see the past with 20/20 vision.

The next few lines were not given to me in a vision. There was no fanfare. Not one absolute fact to verify it's truth.

But to my heart, this morning, I am able to see a little clearer, if nothing more than an adjustment in my attitude, if not my heart.

These words are hard to type, but I have found that there are times when I am confident that hard things bring better days.

This chapter got to me, in ways that many other readings did not. I can say that this position in life was not one I chose openly, and can honestly say that I slowly descended to this location. I wish to walk back our of this hole with my heart looking up and my eyes looking around.

At this point you may be wondering what I am babbling on about. Here it is... PRIDE.

An incident happened during our banquet this year. No one would know about it if I didn't bring it up. I spoke to some friends, in my heart seeking some help in processing the event. I may inadvertently just stirred the pot of pride in my own heart.

While setting up the banquet layout, I had a plan. No one, and I mean no one, seemed to be on the same page. What followed was frustration. I attempted to unify the efforts only to meet with more frustration. Stepping up to the task, I then decided to try to control the chaos in my head because the plan was not coming together. And then, without any reservation, I got mad. Not angry, angry can be controlled, Paul says, "be angry and sin not." I got MAD. I jokingly say this, not as an excuse, but as a point of thankfulness, it's a good think my vocabulary is limited when I am angry, and thankfully, also when I am mad.

How mad? I had to step away from the task and let it go. I was in a state of mind that I physically wanted to take control of the situation. I can say, my MAD scared me. It had been a long time since I had wanted to put my hands on someone. That day, there were 3 someones. My disapproval then spread, everyone who came in over the next hour had to deal with my spewing (in the form of a prayer request that I would not cause a problem). Not needed. I let someone else's behavior control my thoughts until I was out of control.

Does that make me human? Yes. Does that make me right? No.

Max isn't kind when he speaks of arrogance, you may remember these words, "He (God) doesn't dislike arrogance. He doesn't disapprove of arrogance. He's not unfavorably disposed toward arrogance. God hates (emphasis mine) arrogance. What a meal of maggot does for our stomach, human pride does for God's." (Pg. 72)

Does that sound like he is treating pride with 'kid gloves"?

No.

God has allowed me to be successful in so many areas. He has allowed me to have favor in places I should never have had favor. God has blessed me more than I could ever thank him for.

My heart and mind want to say that this past year with it's family strife, fearful minutes and crazy pace are reason enough for anyone to struggle. I would agree. And sitting across the desk from me I would probably be telling a visitor to my office to be a little easier on themselves. I do know the value of grace.

But for there to be a true application of grace, there has to be an admission of the problem grace is about to free you from. We don't make an appointment with the doctor when we think we're healthy. So, my heart was and to some degree still isn't healthy. Till now. Till I read this chapter and God allowed me to see myself through the eyes of Max's words, inspired by God's truth.

So, with no further ado, I will attempt to find 2 of my 3 "mental combatants" (the third was an inmate on the work crew, he has been released from what I know) today and apologize. They may not remember, but today, I seek to forget. To do so, I must ask for forgiveness. From my fellow humans and from my gracious God.

Now, to close, this is the part that is not soothsaying nor clarifying my perspective as I look back at this event. Here is one of the hardest parts of this post. My heart asks the question: "Did God allow (orchestrate, actually cause) the banquet to be less successful because of my poor reflection of his love and grace?

I don't know. Before you jump and say God wouldn't do that, read Job's story. Don't skim over it, read it. He said to Satan "have you considered my servant Job?" Before that moment, Satan had forgotten Job because God had him protected.

So... please pray for me today. I sincerely desire to make amends with 2 people who most likely have forgotten this day. I had as well, until I read this chapter. Was it God or was it my own heart that got to me this morning? Doesn't matter. John (Jesus' beloved disciple) reminds me, "If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins." and "If our hearts condemn us, we know that God is greater than our hearts, and he knows everything."

Thanks for your prayers, your support and your willingness to take this journey through ANOTHER book with me. I pray it has been as encouraging and heart moving as it has for me.

P.S. I have read this book at least 20 times, I set the schedule for this book before this season of hurry up and wait began. God knew what chapter I needed this week, is there one you needed?