Chapter 3 ~ You Are Good

God good?

I don't think that's an issue.

Me, not so good.

That's pretty obvious...

Or... Am I just, as the old song says, "Fooling myself and I don't believe it..."

Let me try to wade through my thoughts and clarify.

I always thought God was "Good". Or should I use the term that described my belief, holy. And, I know how "not holy" I was. I didn't grow up in church, so, my views were formed by the preaching

and teaching of the pastor and youth leader I had at the age of 12.

I don't believe either of these two men were trying to lead me astray. As a matter of fact, I'll take my part in the problem. I was a "compliant" child. Not a good child, but a compliant child. After crossing the rules of my parents I would immediately "comply" and apologize for my indiscretion.

There was many times my "confession" was only a "get off the hook" until I could find my way back into trouble. Not trouble because I was a "troublemaker", but trouble because, like you, I was a kid. Maybe a little more selfish than you, but a kid nonetheless. And... kids get into trouble. I just had a better discipline escape plan, do as your parents say and they will not hassle you as much. Of course, that required me to "hide" many of my antics and poor choices.

Enter little brother...

He could not keep his mouth shut. Thus the next level of misbehaving had to be used... Intimidation. "You better not tell mom or dad or I will... (whatever was required to get "compliance").

Occasionally, he would forget the consequences and open his mouth. I was "had". But, little Mr People Pleaser was able to avoid most of the trouble and realign my plans for hiding my poor decision making.

Thus.... God Holy... Me, Heathen...

And every time the preacher gave an altar call, I went to clean up all the stuff mom and dad didn't know about. Every horrible, sinful thought. Every angered word. Every sinful attitude. I think I confessed sins I didn't do because I knew God was going to strike me dead and send me to hell if I didn't apply the "blood" to my sins.

Then... Fast forward to a different Bill... A different stage of life... My "Holy" years...

I am about to make a confession that you may find funny, stupid, unnecessary, or just down right appalling...

At one point in my professional ministry career I thought I was "holy". Not "holy" because of Jesus, but "holy" because I was "serving the Lord".

It was then my belief about how good God was got their ultimate test.

First born child, a son, had multiple lung issues. Second born, a daughter, had real authority issues. Marriage, well you probably know how challenging that can be. People, lots of people, who relied on me to "fix" their spiritual life with answers.

Only one problem. I ran out of answers. It happened one night...

I injured my back when I was 23 years old. Many people injure their back. I was no exception. Took the medicine and went about business. One problem, when I became a pastor, my physical activity lessened and my weight didn't. The combination created an issue.. Back pain. Pain that kept me awake. Pain that kept me from thinking straight. Pain that was constant and distracting...

And then...

I let God have it...

The next sentence may be shocking, but it is real..

"God" I prayed. "After everything I've done FOR YOU I don't understand why you let me suffer so much."

May I say here, back pain is tough stuff, but in the bigger picture, it's not at the top of the list of suffering... Unless you're a "holier than God" believer who has been a professional Christian and did so many good things for God that you should not have this problem.

Go ahead, chuckle. I just did.

I actually believed that God owed me a break. At least some relief from the pain. After all, didn't he know I left a career to go into ministry? Was he not aware of my choice of the "high road"?

My next statement is still unclear in my memory, but it was something like this... "If this is what serving you (or following you) is like, then I'm not sure I want to be a Christian."

Yep, "God I hurt too much, you've not been fair, if you're not going to give me my way, then I think I just might blackmail you by threatening to leave."

I used this tactic once, I was 7 or 8 years old. Didn't get my way so I "ran away" from home. Was gone about 45 minutes. Actually hid behind the tool shed at the back of our city lot until the rain soaked me. Then... I went home.

It took me a little longer to reach the same decision with God. But thankfully, I did.

I still wonder what God is up to when life's not fair, but, for reasons I am not even sure of, I have decided that God is faithful... even when I am not...

And... God is good...

Max says... "If God were only mighty, we'd salute him. But since he is merciful and mighty, we can approach him...God's unrivaled goodness undergirds everything else we can say about prayer. If he is only slightly stronger, then why pray? If he is like us, only slightly stronger, then why pray? If he grows weary, then why pray? If he has limitations, questions, and hesitations, then you might was well pray to the Wizard of Oz..."

"... However, if God is at once Father and Creator, holy - unlike us - and high above us, then we at any point are only a prayer away from help."

He truly knows what's best for me.

If you're not there yet, don't sweat it. God never seemed to get tired of my whining. He still puts up with it.

It's why my favorite prayer is this.... Father, forgive me and help my unbelief. I'll do a blog post on that one some day as well...

But here is what I know about prayer.... the more I am "believing" that God has my good in mind, despite the circumstances, I will not hold back when I am struggling.

When I am in my "questioning mode"... I don't pray with confidence or I don't tell God all... like I could fool him about what's going on in my heart.

What's your take?

Don't give me the "Christian" answer...

Go ahead, you're among friends... actually family...